I can't freaking paint right now, as much as I really want to cos time is really frigging running out. I just can't do a perfect piece of painting and how am I going to tell Miss kwa that I want to do a painting in my final and that my painting does not suck like what she said? 

I think all the anger and frustrated thoughts about Ms Kwa saying that I can't paint good stuff has gotten into me to the extent that throughout that 1 hour of trying to paint a perfect piece, her face kept appearing in my mind and the words she said about me painting kept echoing in my head. It's horrible. I don't know why am I feeling like this cos usually, I don't really get so affected to what she says. Perhaps it's just the 12km run? Or perhaps, I'm like fighting for myself - finally? I DON'T WANT TO DO A COLOUR PENCIL FOR MY FINAL. WALAO. I'M SO IRRITATED LA. 

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYONE MUST DO THIS TO ME. So is it like if you're neither the best, nor the worst, you have to accept whatever people throw at you? Is it like if you're the best, you create your own ideas and when you suck, you totally give up? So the average people just have to accept whatever people tell them because they don't have the choice to choose whatever they want to do cos simply, they're average? It's so unfair! The best always get their way within minutes and average have to work so extremely hard to get to where the best are. It's totally not fair because I don't even have the chance to give up right now. If everything was for myself, I would have given all these up. But the fact that I'm in this fucking tertiary institution for my parents, and some other significant group of people and a beloved sport makes things super hard for me to get by. And some people are just not sensitive enough. It's not that I only have school work to get through, what about friends? What about family? What about myself? Why can't people just give me the assurance and consolation that I fucking need at this point of time instead of making me feel so downright horrible by just casting me one side? Because I'm not good enough? 

Because I'm not good enough?

I was never good enough. Never. 

Some friends are just not there, teachers just had to be like this and parents keep asking me to eat and sleep at the weirdest time for god knows why. And I just happened to be born emotional. People don't understand. They think being in a JC is big fuck and they want to live my life. If you know that most of the blog entries were typed while crying, JC life suck big time. And fuck it if you think I chose to be in a JC. Just fuck it. 

And why is it that everyone must be soo fucking competitive? Are you all upholding the quote of "Only the fittest survive"? We are not animals, so why must we compete to the extent that blood and tears must be shed by one for another's happiness? 

fuck it.